Wednesday, January 10, 2007

letting go

I have several very bad coping tendencies I've developed over the years, as a result of having an addict/ co set of parents, being sexually assaulted, and being a social outcast for four of the most miserable years of my life. One of these mechanisms is eating. This is a very bad and quite unhealthy way of dealing with stress. I try to rein it in, but sometimes it gets the better of me.

The other mechanism I've finely honed over the past two years in particular is the fine art of letting go. Going to a movie, buying yarn, shearing sheep - whatever it takes for me to forget whatever chaos that is surrounding and engulfing me. This coping mechanism has it's pros and cons. I doubt I'd be the skilled knitter and spinner I am today, were it not for the on-and-off chaos in my life. I also, on the negative side, wouldn't have racked up upwards of $500 worth of debt in 3 months had my life been simpler during that last term of Uni.

Either way, it works and I'm sticking with it instead of drinking, doing drugs, or gambling. I'm not sky diving, either, I promised my Mum.

Anyway. Life has been getting hectic again. The Move. The Visit. The Peace Corps evaluations, which serve to dimish my self-esteem in several ways (I admit it, finally). The fact that I can't get a job. My life is intangible and not really worthwhile right now. The fact that I'm not Doing Anything overwhelms me on occassion.

Tonight was particularly difficult. Everything had been Set. I had told TheBon that we had the GO to buy our train tickets down to the Bay Area. Then my sister called at 2:50 pm. She had just heard from her boss that she definitely needed to go to NYC for the annual company board meeting. The meeting would be from Feb 21 - 23, throwing a wrench into our plans. She and her partner would be in NYC, and thus no one would be there on the 21st to pick me up at the station and get me to their house.

Well.

Bugger.

"Do you have to come down during the conference? Couldn't you come down a few days early and spend some time with us before we leave? That way you can settle in and have the run of the house while we're gone."

Sounds simple, right?

TheBon already bought her tickets. I had been planning to buy mine tonight. But now my departure date is uncertain, and I've kinda abandoned Bon at the rails. I have no idea what to do. I've been promising my sister I'd visit for over six months, and she sounded so disappointed when I told her I'd only be visit for six days. And, to top that off, A will be gone for 3 of the days I was planning on being there.

This sucks.

A lot.

I hate disappointing people.

So, deciding that I really couldn't handle the roiling feeling in my abdomen, I asked Mum if she wanted to go to a movie or something. Anything to let go. If only for an hour or two. I needed to have some distance, so I could approach the situation more clearly.

Mum agreed and we decided that tonight was a Crack Movie Night. Just guess what movie we went to see? On a Tuesday night at 10pm?

Eragon.

We were the only people there for most of the film (thankfully) so we got to have our run of the movie. Making loud, obnoxious comments and laughing like we were drunken sailors. Two of the clerks actually winced when we told them what movie we were seeing, as we explained the purpose of the Crack Movie Night. They suggested we try something a little bit better like Night At the Museum - and just sighed when we told them we'd already seen it.

Some people just have no appreciation for Bad Movies. I mean, c'mon, the costumes were worse than Babylon 5 - something that was enough to cheer me up for a while. Then there was the fact that John Malkovich was the King.

Right. He was the ONLY American in that film. His accent stuck out like a sore thumb, and he came across as demented rather than menacing. Whoo, that was some bad casting.

Anyway. I didn't get that much knitting done today. I didn't get much of anything done today. Some cleaning. Whatever. I think I'm going to bed now. I have a doctor's appointment in 7 hours. Time for the Peace Corps health eval to kick my ass just a little bit more, eh?

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    Location: Portland, Oregon, United States

    I'm a recent graduate of the University of Oregon, a Peace Corps nominee, and trying to knit, spin, and craft up my stash before I get sent off to a foreign country for 2 years.

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